In case you were wondering, I'm still crazy.

Back in October of 2009 (which was really just 4 posts ago because of my lazy ass) I mentioned I was getting prescribed. Well, Monday was one of those days where the adverse effects sneak up on me-- paxiflu. Most people who take or have taken Paxil experience some sort of side effect, most notoriously, withdrawal.

For the record, other than not being generally hungry, I have never experienced withdrawal from marijuana. Just my prescriptions. Anyway, I ran out of refills and had to have it called in so I missed a day... maybe two (my memory is shit, I may have forgotten to take it the day before). It starts with me acting like a bitch. Then I get night sweats and chills then nausea, vomiting if I try to take my meds, dizziness/lightheadedness, general shit. Legit, one of the worst things I experience and all I can do is try to sleep it off and keep down a bland meal so I can attempt to reintroduce a low-dose. And smoking doesn't always help; it'll calm the nausea but make the dizziness worse, helps me sleep but make me hungry for foods I can't be eating.

My poor boyfriend hates to see me sick, he's such a sport. He sat for hours in the dark so I could sleep and made me rice. I'm on the up now, having a morning bowl, watching Parenthood. Ultimately, the meds work. Since October 2009 a lot of things have happened-- not all good, some extremely dramatic and problematic, and super emotional. But I think I'm okay now. I'm not weepy or overly emotional, I don't have the severe mood swings, and I typically feel pretty good about myself and my job and my situation. It really has taken all this time to get the meds right, and to get to this point, which was probably why blogging fell through the cracks, it's a pretty intense experience, if not just downright exhausting.

Who knew taking care of yourself and eating right was so difficult? I mean, I've been up for two hours now and the task of breakfast just seems so daunting. The munchies will get the best of me soon though.

Stay Stoned. ♥

But then I got high.

So I was going to make a post last night, but then I got high and Matilda was OnDemand and well, there goes my night. Next week... maybe.

Anyways, Today was part 2 on the Honesty Vs. Dishonesty with the doctors experiment. This appointment went a lot better, I'm not as angry and I was when I left last time, and I'm on yet another new medication. This medication has the potential to get me watsted off of one glass of wine so drinking is looking even less appealing than usual, but I'll survive. A one drink tolerance may actually be a godsend in disguise, I mean, imagine how much money I'll save if a bottle of wine can get me drunk 4 times over.

She said nothing about my smoking (I guess she got the message) and just stressed the drinking and watching my food intake. This new medication is making me pretty nervous, I've never been on an anxiety medication other than marijuana before.

Today I'm getting high and going to Ikea. I'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE. I'm clearly fucking stoked. Let's hope I don't break the bank.

Stay Stoned.

It's all bullshit.

I went to the doctor this morning. They only scheduled me for a fifteen minute appointment (really? what the fuck?) and then told me to stop drinking and smoking pot and I'll be fine. Why would I quit smoking pot? It's my livelihood. Not to mention, It's the only thing that helps me fall asleep and actually eat a meal a day. She blamed the pot for my insomnia and idk what else and told me to see a therapist for my anxiety. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW.

I've been seeing therapists for the last 13 years. It's all fucking bullshit. The Nurse Practitioner gave me a stronger dose of Prilosec after lying to me about not having anything stronger/better/that I hadn't tried before, ever heard of Nexium lady? I mean, it may not be for me, but it's definitely stronger. I've had acid reflux for 7 years, why do these people act like I don't know my shit?

Her overall recommendation: Keep up with the Prilosec, keep a sleep log, and later we'll talk about anxiety medication and the fact that I'm never hungry. She also said my nose piercing isn't infected, just swollen. Thanks lady!

Overall, pot is the thing that keeps me eating, sleeping somewhat normally and basically going, why must I stop? I'm thinking of doing my own research and handing it over to her or something. Maybe I can start a Coalition For Doctors Who Believe In Medical Marijuana. Then it'll make it so much easier for us smokers to get along in day to day life/actually be honest about our medical history. Should I just be blunt with this doctor and say "I'm not going to quit"? I mean, how far does doctor/patient confidentiality go? Does it cover excessive drug use?

According to a quick Google search and a little reading on HIPAA, it looks like there's no harm in being completely honest. I'm going to consider this an experiment. Honesty vs. Dishonesty, and do you get better care? I felt pretty belittled today at my appointment and I don't think I'm going to stand for it. What's the worst that could happen, right? I switch doctors? Big fuckin' deal. I've been to a million. My follow up appointment is September 3rd at 9:45 A.M. So expect an update on this situation soon.

Doctor, doctor!

I wish there was a directory of stoner friendly doctors. I'm having the hardest time finding a new primary care physician. I would love it if I didn't have a doctor who was going to blame all my problems on my pot smoking, and chide me for it. I do what I do, accept it and heal around it, doc!

Better yet, a doctor who would encourage me to smoke would be the best. Or! What if I get used in a study! haha, I'm such a nerd. I'm on my 4th bowl of the day, first since I got off work 20 minutes ago. I wasn't going to smoke before work, but it was the perfect day today. Absolutely perfect. I even got to use a blanket and sleep with clothes on last night. I was able to sip hot tea this morning without wanting to die, and I was not perpetually covered in sweat and reapplying deodorant.

It was sunny and about 72 with a lovely breeze. I sat near my window and smoked a bowl and had a cup of mint tea with a little honey. When I was walking home from work it was pouring rain. My hair is all gross and wet. It stopped though, of course, the second I got home and sat down and smoked a bowl.


Terrible.

Awesome.

Before I go into details about my wonderful-turned-shiteous night let me tell you a little about myself.

My parents separated when I was about 4. My dad had a drug and alcohol problem, and despite once being a prominent lawyer, lost his license and most of his money. He cheated on my mom, evaded taxes, was in extreme debt, and his solution for things was to attempt suicide. Thankfully he's still with us, but while he was gone my mom and grandma did the best they could for me growing up, if I needed it I had it, and even things I didn't need I had. I remember coming home to lights or water being shut off, and almost losing our home.

Needless today, my childhood had a pretty big effect on me. I've been in and out of therapy for over 11 years now, but am really opposed to the idea of taking 'happy pills'. I also have pretty terrible acid reflux (which I also don't take medication for) and which, If I'm not careful can be really dangerous. Like last night. I had maybe 3 drinks, and was ready to smoke and retire for the night with my friend but my chest had other plans. It was like my stomach went up in flames. I barely got one good hit in before I knew it was going to be a long night. I just started throwing up and heaving. Once there was nothing left in my stomach, I kept heaving which made me feel like I was choking and sent me into a bit of a panic attack. My friend called a cab for me, but when I got downstairs he drove away. That caused my breathing to get a little shallow and messed up, so we had to just call an ambulance. Once I got to the hospital, they asked me a bunch of questions I had to struggle to answer and where I also discovered that my piece of shit sidekick 3 had erased all my phone numbers and texts and I couldn't remember my mom or my best friend's phone number, which made me even more freaked out and uncomfortable.

After they made me answer all those questions, they pretty much put me in a room til I fell asleep and when I woke up, they sent me home. Awesome. I really hope my insurance covers that ambulance ride, I know those aren't cheap and I haven't even told my mom I took one, cause I know she's going to worry about it too. Money has always been tight in this family, and it's one of my biggest stressors.

Typically to manage my anxiety and acid reflux I smoke. When I don't smoke my depression gets worse, I have no appetite, and get irritable easily. Smoking helps me stay calm and eat and for some reason, my acid reflux doesn't get bad when I eat while smoking. Ugh, for now though, I need to pick up and put this behind me, or I'm going to feel even worse about it.