wahh.

Finally bought bud yesterday after 3 days of none. Thank god. I need to stop drinking. I got wayyyyy too fucked up on Sunday and blacked out, and broke a bunch of shit and lost my shoes, my scarf, and my wallet which was thankfully returned. I'm getting just confucked. New friends, new people, new experiences. I'm in over my head I think. Sunday was a reality check, and unfortunately I'm already showing signs of acute alcoholism so I'm freaking out. Thanks Dad. Speaking of Dad, he's dying or sick or something? How am I supposed to react to this? Smoke. Duh.

When I went to the hospital Monday morning (severe dehydration/I got scared cause everyone said it was like I was on drugs)they basically told me to smoke it up and that the worst that can happen is indegestion and the munchies. Which is what happened last night. I ate: two bowls of my roomie's delicious spaghetti alfredo with half a dozen turkey meatballs, a fruit and cheese plate from the unnamed coffee shop in which I work and some grapes and an apple and then like 4 glasses of milk and a pint of ice cream. I fell asleep on the couch with terrible indegestion/heartburn. Great.

As for everything else in life, well it doesn't stop. I'm hoping that the emotional stuff will settle down now that I have a grip on life and some bleak hope that everything will work itself out.

Coming this week if I don't kill myself: Voting and Question 2, and this terrible smokers cough. Someone buy me a bong.

Mexican Sweat.

Growing up in south Texas we used to play a game we called "mexican sweat." Living in Massachusetts, northerners who play it, tend to call it "chicago-ing." I will never call it anything but mexican sweat. Basically, when you play, you just hold it in until the rotation comes back to you. It's actually, a lot harder than it sounds, especially if you're in a large rotation, but it can get you reallllly high.

First person to let it go and start coughing is deemed the pansy and made fun of. It's actually pretty fun. I used to love playing with my friends in the pool in my backyard in the middle of summer. I actually, kind of miss that, and miss Corpus right now. I'm sure that will change once I get there, but hopefully I can get and ounce and not really have to think about being there. My home town makes me really sad, it's just full of really weird cycles, it was so systematic and stagnant. And mostly I couldn't stand driving over that fucking bridge anymore.

When I was about 8 I think (I don't actually know how old I was because no one talks about it) my dad attempted suicide. He jumped off the Harbor Bridge in downtown Corpus Christi. Awesome. Lucky for the bastard, he's one of a handful of the large number of people who have attempted suicide on that bridge to survive. Still, as you can imagine, things were kinda rough and sad, and painful, wah wah. So I don't like Corpus. It's one big stressor in my life.

Count-down to Corpus starts now, only 19 more days. I can feel my back tensing up. But when I come back I get to start packing, and I get to start moving and my bee will move in, and it will be grand. And most importantly, school will start. So I can stop smoking all day and do something productive. I love school. I want to try to up my GPA so I can get on the Dean's List by next fall. I have a 3.4 now, I need to have a 3.7. I also want to get a boyfriend. I need to move on from old lovers.

I'm feeling vulnerable so I'm going to go, but, goodnight!

Awesome.

Before I go into details about my wonderful-turned-shiteous night let me tell you a little about myself.

My parents separated when I was about 4. My dad had a drug and alcohol problem, and despite once being a prominent lawyer, lost his license and most of his money. He cheated on my mom, evaded taxes, was in extreme debt, and his solution for things was to attempt suicide. Thankfully he's still with us, but while he was gone my mom and grandma did the best they could for me growing up, if I needed it I had it, and even things I didn't need I had. I remember coming home to lights or water being shut off, and almost losing our home.

Needless today, my childhood had a pretty big effect on me. I've been in and out of therapy for over 11 years now, but am really opposed to the idea of taking 'happy pills'. I also have pretty terrible acid reflux (which I also don't take medication for) and which, If I'm not careful can be really dangerous. Like last night. I had maybe 3 drinks, and was ready to smoke and retire for the night with my friend but my chest had other plans. It was like my stomach went up in flames. I barely got one good hit in before I knew it was going to be a long night. I just started throwing up and heaving. Once there was nothing left in my stomach, I kept heaving which made me feel like I was choking and sent me into a bit of a panic attack. My friend called a cab for me, but when I got downstairs he drove away. That caused my breathing to get a little shallow and messed up, so we had to just call an ambulance. Once I got to the hospital, they asked me a bunch of questions I had to struggle to answer and where I also discovered that my piece of shit sidekick 3 had erased all my phone numbers and texts and I couldn't remember my mom or my best friend's phone number, which made me even more freaked out and uncomfortable.

After they made me answer all those questions, they pretty much put me in a room til I fell asleep and when I woke up, they sent me home. Awesome. I really hope my insurance covers that ambulance ride, I know those aren't cheap and I haven't even told my mom I took one, cause I know she's going to worry about it too. Money has always been tight in this family, and it's one of my biggest stressors.

Typically to manage my anxiety and acid reflux I smoke. When I don't smoke my depression gets worse, I have no appetite, and get irritable easily. Smoking helps me stay calm and eat and for some reason, my acid reflux doesn't get bad when I eat while smoking. Ugh, for now though, I need to pick up and put this behind me, or I'm going to feel even worse about it.