Saturday, July 12, 2008


Before I go into details about my wonderful-turned-shiteous night let me tell you a little about myself.

My parents separated when I was about 4. My dad had a drug and alcohol problem, and despite once being a prominent lawyer, lost his license and most of his money. He cheated on my mom, evaded taxes, was in extreme debt, and his solution for things was to attempt suicide. Thankfully he's still with us, but while he was gone my mom and grandma did the best they could for me growing up, if I needed it I had it, and even things I didn't need I had. I remember coming home to lights or water being shut off, and almost losing our home.

Needless today, my childhood had a pretty big effect on me. I've been in and out of therapy for over 11 years now, but am really opposed to the idea of taking 'happy pills'. I also have pretty terrible acid reflux (which I also don't take medication for) and which, If I'm not careful can be really dangerous. Like last night. I had maybe 3 drinks, and was ready to smoke and retire for the night with my friend but my chest had other plans. It was like my stomach went up in flames. I barely got one good hit in before I knew it was going to be a long night. I just started throwing up and heaving. Once there was nothing left in my stomach, I kept heaving which made me feel like I was choking and sent me into a bit of a panic attack. My friend called a cab for me, but when I got downstairs he drove away. That caused my breathing to get a little shallow and messed up, so we had to just call an ambulance. Once I got to the hospital, they asked me a bunch of questions I had to struggle to answer and where I also discovered that my piece of shit sidekick 3 had erased all my phone numbers and texts and I couldn't remember my mom or my best friend's phone number, which made me even more freaked out and uncomfortable.

After they made me answer all those questions, they pretty much put me in a room til I fell asleep and when I woke up, they sent me home. Awesome. I really hope my insurance covers that ambulance ride, I know those aren't cheap and I haven't even told my mom I took one, cause I know she's going to worry about it too. Money has always been tight in this family, and it's one of my biggest stressors.

Typically to manage my anxiety and acid reflux I smoke. When I don't smoke my depression gets worse, I have no appetite, and get irritable easily. Smoking helps me stay calm and eat and for some reason, my acid reflux doesn't get bad when I eat while smoking. Ugh, for now though, I need to pick up and put this behind me, or I'm going to feel even worse about it.

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